In case you need a laugh.

So this old couple were losing their marbles and finally decided to go to the doctor to see what could be done. He told them that they weren't that bad off, and should try some memory exercises to help them remember things, of which the best was just to simply write down what they needed to remember and only refer to the list if they had to. So they went home and later that evening the husband gets up from his recliner and announces he is going to the kitchen. His wife looks over and asks, "While you're in there, do you mind getting me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure honey, i can get that for you." She then adds, "Don't you think you should write it down?" "No, i can remember a bowl of ice cream." Then she adds, "I would also like some whipped cream on it to, please. You might want to write that down." A bit irritated he replies, "I can remember a bowl of ice cream and whipped cream on it." "Fine," she says, "How about some strawberries as well, now i know you'll need to write that down." He storms off towards the kitchen yelling back in her direction, "I'll get you your dang ice cream with whipped cream with strawberries, don't worry." About 20 minutes pass, and he comes back into the living room and hands his wife a plate with eggs, bacon, and hash browns. She looks at it in dismay and then asks her husband, "What in the world is this?" He sighs and says, "It's eggs, bacon, and hash browns." She rolls her eyes at him and says, "I can see that, but where's my toast?"







A professional bagpiper had been hired to perform at a funeral. He was told it was for a homeless man with no family or friends, and then given directions to a new cemetery where the deceased was the first to be buried. He was told that it was one of the dying person's last wishes to have a traditional Irish burial, complete with pipes. On the day of the services he got lost on his way to the funeral. He spent almost an hour winding around country roads he'd never been on before, and finally getting out of his car and having to walk through a spot of brush to get to the spot he was supposed to be at. When he got there all he saw was the dug grave, and a backhoe with 2 men standing around it drinking coffee. He rushed up to the grave and looked in to see that the metal vault was already in place. He looked over at the backhoe crew and assured them that he wouldn't be long, but this was the proper thing to do. They stepped over and listened as he began to play. He played his heart out, playing such old time tunes as "Going Home" "The Lord is My Shepherd" and "The Flowers of the Forest", and ended with a lengthy rendition of the famous "Amazing Grace". The two other men wiped tears away as the piper concluded and insisted on shaking his hand and giving him a generous tip, explaining that they had never seen anything quite like this beautiful ceremony, and they'd been putting in septic tanks for years.

Happy Early Halloween. . . Belated

It was last weekend and I was over at my cousin's house visiting him and his family. Usually I am accompanied on these trips by my wife, but she was feeling less than up to par, (does that make her a bogey?), so she stayed home. I was having a good time when my cousin's oldest son asked where Tori was. Feeling facetious, i looked down at him seriously, and spelled out the entire situation in great detail. Keep in mind, he is 9, and his younger brother who was there to is 7. I looked at him, and said," Well, she's not feeling too well," and then i looked around as if to make sure that only the three of us could hear the next bit, "You see, she has a small creature in her stomach," their attention was now absolute, "And it's growing inside of her," mouths were now gaping open, "and it just keeps sucking the energy and life out of her." I had to give it to them, their concern was genuine, and they looked truly horrified for my wife's fate. They looked at me, torn between wanting to hug me for what was going on, and wanting to run for the hills in case it was contagious and i had brought one of the little creatures with me by accident, and was going to unleash it on them and their family. Finally the tense silence was broken by the oldest whispering a feeble, "Really?" I should have stopped, I should have been ashamed of myself for terrifying these innocent little kids. . . but i didn't, and i wasn't. No, I kept going, even more dramatically, "Yeah, it's just growing in her and draining the life from her body. Nothing she does helps, it's just sitting there in her and slowly draining her." For a good 15 seconds nobody moved a muscle, and i can't swear under oath that any of them breathed either. Finally, i had to tell the truth. Not out of pangs of guilt for what i was doing (insert maniacal laughter here) no, I just knew i couldn't keep a straight face much longer. I leaned in closer and asked, "You wanna know what this creature inside of her is?" They mutely nodded. I whispered, "It's a baby." It was a bit anticlimactic, i was hoping for the groans of disbelief, the "I can't believe i fell for that", you know, something. But alas, either i duped them too well and they are now convinced that my wife is carrying some horrifying creature who will burst forth from her and terrorise the world with it's rampage of destruction and evil (hey, the kid does have half of my genetic material so, who knows, they may be right) or i overdid it and it was a bit over their heads. Oh, by the way, in case my cousin, who probably hasn't heard about this yet, had to deal with nightmares from the little ones, I must say I am sorry. (Only because it is polite, though honestly it was WAY fun and also in the rulebook for uncles and such relatives. Seriously, page 27, paragraph 4. )
So, that was my early Halloween prank to my family. Early to them, but late to you because i am just now posting it. So it's an early belated. . . or is it a belated early? Oh who cares, it's not like temporal theory is a hobby of mine. (or was, or will be)